Unless all of those Booze Britain cockumentaries are deceiving me and the shutter sunglasses-wearing bastards at shit music festivals are just pretending, we British are a people who love to party. This is the nation that championed E, that invented binge drinking, and which has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in all of Europe. We’re fucking party monsters, real good time people, P.A.R.T.Why? Because we gotta etc., etc. But just how hard does London go?
Sam Bell, illustrator, 24
What’s the best party you’ve ever been to?
Sam: Maybe Secret Garden Party, two years ago. I tried acid for the first time. It was very, very fun, and I would recommend everyone do it.
What would be your ideal party?
I don’t know. I like going to those sort of parties where you can dress up and stuff, but I’m a bit of a metal head. So I would have to say a really good gig, followed by an afterparty with all of my friends there and stuff.
What tune would play over the montage of your ideal party?
Dunno, depends on what the party ended up being like. I want to say a Monty Python song, like “Sit On My Face” or something, ha ha.
Marina Doritos, waitress, 24
What’s the best party you’ve ever been to?
Marina: Probably one when I was studying at university. Would you like me to describe the party?
Yes please.
It was a “pimps and hoes” party. Everyone was dressed up and there was loads of alcohol and loads of drugs. I was a ho. My outfit consisted of heels and a short mini skirt.
Sounds just great. What three things do you need at a party to have fun?
Cigarettes, booze, and drugs.
Who would be your ideal party companion?
A very loud transvestite.
Will Stefano, project manager, 26
What’s the gnarliest party you’ve ever been to?
Will: It was a house party in Dagenham. It just turned into a bit an orgy. I wasn’t involved, personally, because of my partner. I guess parties in that sort of area are renowned for that sort of thing, though. You know, Essex girls and that.
How did it all kick off then?
I’m not too sure. I think that some people just saw a couple making out and decided that they were going to do it and it just escalated from that really. There weren’t no outrageous threesomes or whatever, it was just separate couples all in the same room.
Oh. That’s not really an orgy then, is it? Did everyone involved enjoy themselves?
I think so. It was better because no-one got any rashes or anything like that. Must have been alright.
Hmmm.
Jose Blixack, “hustler”, 25
Do you like to paaaaaaaartyyyy?
Jose: I love to party, yeah.
Out of 10, how hard would you say you party?
I party 110 per cent every time.
What is the best mash-up/rave-up/box social you’ve ever been to?
That is a question, man! There was one in Bournemouth where they made the house look like a castle, out of cardboard. They had, like, a boat in their pond and we had this mad wrestling match in there, like, four of us having a mad smackdown. It wasn’t the best but it was up there, you know?
Did you win the smackdown?
Yeah, I won. I kicked my mate’s ass and a girl’s ass, and, like, two other guys.
What three things are essential for a party?
You have to have booze, women, and me.
Alec McGee, studio manager, 26
Do you wanna party right now?
Absolutely.
What kind of parties are your favourite, then, you party animal?
Favourite? Blimey, I go to Night Slugs a lot, I go to High Horse, T Bar, and anywhere my friends are playing at to be honest.
What would be your ideal party?
Lots of bass, lots of booze, that’s about it really.
What is the craziest thing you’ve ever seen at a party?
DJ Assault shagging someone behind the decks before his set, with the crowd in front of him, down in the Ocean Rooms in Brighton. That was fun.
Delphine Ashes, graphic artist/photographer, 32
What would be the perfect party?
A party where I don’t have to drive. Where all my friends are around and the sound system is amazing.
What three things would you take to a party with you to ensure fun was had?
Umm, what would I take? Probably some happy substance, my camera, and sunglasses.
When you see the perfect party in your head, what is the soundtrack that’s playing over the top of it?
“In For the Kill” remix by Skream.
Who would be your ideal party cohort?
My boyfriend and Loefah. It would be cool if Loefah would be with me.
Robert Belgrave, biscuit designer, 24
Do you like to party, Robert?
I love to partaaaaaay.
What kind of partaaays do you like to go to?
Banging parties.
What is the most banging party you’ve ever been to?
My house party at university. I did a mangina at the top of the stairs.
What the fuck is a mangina?
It’s where you tuck your dick in between your legs and pull your pants down. I did this at the top of the stairs, whilst yelling “Mangina!” so that everyone could see.
What song makes you do the mangina at parties?
It isn’t a dance move. You can’t really cut those shapes on the dancefloor.
Andrew Poulter, painter, 34
Do you like to party Andy?
Yeah, depends who fucking with, but yeah.
What is the best party you’ve been to?
Best party I’ve been to? Oh yeah, my gran’s funeral.
What happened at your gran’s funeral to make it so special?
Not in the churchyard, but the reception was lovely. Everyone got on, lots of dancing, everyone was a little bit blown away emotionally, but it was wonderful. There was sausage rolls, alright? And tube balloons, what else do you want for a party? I don’t do drugs, alright?
What kind of music was playing at your gran’s funeral?
Nothing. It was all silent.
What kind of music did they play at the party afterwards?
Just shit stuff. It was good.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a party other than your gran getting buried?
I don’t really get crazy, but I know what line you’re on. Men chatting each other up? Oh no, that’s racist, no gayest, no homophobic. Them chatting me up. I don’t want to be rude to them, but I like ladies.
Stacey Cassel, visual merchandiser, 26
What’s the best party you’ve ever been to?
The best party that I’ve been to would have to be Great Escape in Australia, which is like a camping/live music festival.
Oh good, another music festival story. What crazy shit happened?
At the end, actually, they had bails of hay, and we had a massive drunken hay fight. It was pretty gross, though, because everyone was so drunk that they didn’t notice the vomit all over the hay they were throwing at one another.
Who would be your perfect party compatriot?
Brandon Boyd because I love him. I’ve been in love with him since I was in year 9. I think he’s amazing and I would love to party with him.
Published on Vice on 10th August 2009:
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